Art

– I shaved my pubic hair and tucked my penis and testicles between my legs so that there’s a bulge. Then I used make-up to draw a vertical line with a bit of shading, which looks like a vagina. When I see myself like this in the mirror, it feels as it ought to.

– I pull my penis upwards, using a thong that runs between my testicles and becomes invisible because they pinch it in place. This creates two larger outer labia, like a vagina. It feels unusual to the touch, too. The same applies here: yes, that’s how it should be.

– I printed out a photo of a vagina, held it up in front of my penis and looked at myself in the mirror. And again: yes, that would be right.

At first, it’s startling, because visually, on the surface, it looks right. But the realisation sets in quickly: it’s not reality, but a visual illusion, a fake. It makes me all the more aware that I have the wrong body. It also makes me realise that I don’t want a fake. I want a real body. A fake doesn’t change anything. I prefer my penis. I’m a trans woman! A real one!

These experiments focus solely on gender. On the penis or the vagina, on sexuality. But as a trans woman, sexuality isn’t the problem. You don’t have the wrong sexuality. You have the wrong body. Sexuality goes hand in hand with every gender and every body.

And the sensation of a vagina? That’s something a male body will never be able to experience. Not even with vaginisation surgery. That’s a major physical intervention on a body with a sexually functional, intact sexual organ, with real sensations. It’s not much different from a photo of a vagina in front of a penis, because the body behind it remains male. A fake vagina will always remain a fake. Fake is fake.

Leave your body as it is; accept it. There’s nothing fake about it! Don’t deceive yourself. It works – including your sexuality. It’s real. Real is real.